On the final and beautiful weekend of August, a carefully curated team of wonderers and guests of honour descended on Cambridge for a pre-season camp, to learn more about each other and what makes them tick. There were also rumours that some hockey might be played.
Friday afternoon began with checking into Ben’s old college, before a token walk around and then a customary lie down at the Millpond. Quite an athletic squad we’d assembled. Pizza and the Eagle courtyard then beckoned.
Saturday began with cooked breakfasts and stash handouts before most players napped. Once players had napped and Max had finally perfected his hair, we boarded the team bus to the game, full of anticipation. Would our ringer Harry turn up? Would the opposition also be wearing purple kit? Would even fielding a Wales U-18 goalkeeper be enough to save us from humiliation at the hands of a 3rd team?
The first game was against Cambridge South at Long Road 6th Form. Regular supporters would have been shocked to see our first team stretch and jog since our chaotic first game of 2023. Our star midfielder being unable to touch his knees let alone his toes suggested that there was some room for improvement, and hinted a little at underlying causes behind some ongoing hamstring injuries. However, practice makes perfect. Which was exactly why our only on-pitch warmup is a shot box. In said shot box, two of our players scored against an international keeper and immediately decided they had achieved all they could on the pitch. With 5% of shots being effortlessly saved, the other 95% were suitably topped or knocked well wide, possibly in a bid not to reveal all our cards too early. In perfect temperate conditions, we then had a very good game of hockey against a great South oppo and we were lucky to come away with a 4-0 win. Someone scored a hattrick but I can’t quite remember who.
After such a successful warmup, what better warm-down than a punt up the serene River Cam. However, despite being sent to the bathroom before the trip, some members appeared quite pained by the halfway point, at which point it was decided on our boat that Mattie would take over the helm and really begin to master his 360s. Worse than the desire for the toilet though was two men’s desire for food, a recurring feature of the trip. I think watching James struggle for hunger was even slightly more enjoyable for spectators than watching him sit on the central line for an hour after a jug last December.
The Beechings had kindly organised a curry at the Tiffin Truck and this was superb. Highlights include the alpha males powerfully describing the mildness of their curries as the other half sweltered, closely followed by Duncan ordering his 4th curry and naan as the squad’s desperation to reach spoons grew exponentially.
A remarkable last minute diversion from spoons to the pleasant Petersfield’s CAMRA heartland was achieved and went well until the final barman and one player were locked in a battle over whether they could order a full pint, given last orders were going to be called soon. His street smarts eventually came through, as he ordered two half pints instead. The team never cease to impress.
Somehow the Vengabus song began it’s new life imploring players to try their drink. Jealous of Duncan’s multiple curries, one player decided to enjoy his a second time at the Regal. Mentioning no names, but his name does rhyme with Hattie. Sometime around now, at least 5 separate members of the team asked if ‘ringer’ Harry was playing the next day and each soon let out a sigh of relief.
A discotheque was visited and the various E numbers of the Wkd catalogue sampled. A polite local told the team that she also sometimes went out with her dad and it was sweet that we had taken ours out.
At 3am, I watched James ask the Trailer of Life server to pour all of 8 different condiments onto his chips, before then enquiring about HP sauce and garlic mayo. Speaking only in Anchorman quotes and eating extremely slowly as he soaked up the views on King’s Parade, I began to suspect he was buying time and simply didn’t yet want to have to go back to his room conjoined onto a certain player’s.
Sunday morning began with the team waking to a shocking message. Our player-coach Garth had awoken only to discover that he had slightly lost his voice. Presumably pretty worried for his health, the wounded trooper had decided to depart Cambridge right away and recuperate in London. Our thoughts are with you as you continue to recuperate from your slightly lost voice. For James, his morning began with strange noises and a strange garlicky smell from the chips he’d saved for breakfast. For his next door neighbour, it began with an urgent visit to the GP practice downstairs.
Lost without their coach, the team decided to replace the planned whiteboard sessions with a team meditation (read nap) on the pretty Jesus Green. This was broadly peaceful, even with Tony’s youtube adverts interrupting Taylor Swift every 90 seconds.
Sunday’s game was hoped to be a gentler affair but we were jolted awake by an athletic and youthful opposition appearing through the haze. Cambridge City M5 had arranged some rather unforgiving weather conditions, but they did kindly agreed to play quarters, to the relief of all the 14 players who’d not gone home due to a croaky voice.
It was a close game, with an early lead being drawn back by City. As our fitness and coordination rapidly deteriorated with each passing quarter, we were lucky that Lucian’s goalkeeping heroics kept us in the game. With barely 60 seconds to go, Richard pushes the ball away after a foul, and is punished with a short corner that leads to a goal, delivering City a 2-1 victory. Rumours of match fixing are still swirling. Team highlights were watching Harry’s iconic left-right drag(The BeechingTM) being picked by his brother in each of their 28 one-on-one encounters. Harsh brotherly love.
The Top Tourist trophy was presented to Tony, who covered all our meals and hopefully isn’t expecting any payment.
The rail network then proceeded, right on cue, to cancel and delay everyone’s trains home.
Thanks to the oppos for hosting us, and thanks to each and every athlete for coming and committing your weekend, especially those coming from far and wide. The coach will be in touch to let you know if any of you have been selected for a place in the team this coming year. That is, of course, when he has recovered sufficiently from his tickly throat.
